A LETTER TO MARVEL COMICS

Dear Marvel Comics,

On Friday evening, I was watching Talk Dirty To Me, the 1980 porno classic from the tail end of that era when adult movies had plots and were shot on film and occasionally had weird artsy pretensions and were just in generally, totally awesome. Anyways, some time during the second sex scene, the lead actor John Leslie, all tanned and hairy and kinda like all hunchback-y and shit while he was banging it out, totally resembled Wolverine and I imagined a very awesome one-shot wherein Logan, for some reason or another, is involved in the 70s porn industry.

I’m thinking he loses a card game and refuses to pay so they drug and kidnap him. Like, it’s all kind of against his will and the comic is him, weeks or even months later, returning to the porn scene to get revenge on the schlockmeisters who did this to him. So, we’ll have this procedural comic with like, these flashbacks of Logan on the set or hanging out with these 70s porn actors partying it up and “acting” in the movies, if you know what I mean. There will be, within the flashbacks, a sub-plot where he has an intense romance with a porn actress who is sweet and kind but troubled and as a result, won’t leave the industry. It’s intended to reflect the doomed romance with Mariko from Wolverine 1-4.

It ends, after lots of investigating (imagine Paul Schrader’s Hardcore only Wolverine’s in it), with Wolverine finding the dudes who kidnapped him, and walking in on them making another movie (the movie they are making should be American revolution-themed and the comic should take place in 1976) and he throws them around and shit and then, the porn actress chick he had this intense emotional relationship grabs him by the arm and stops him. They share a look and he puts his claws back in and and just walks away. FIN.

It is important that this is serious but playful and that it doesn’t devolve into really stupid “snuff” or abuse porn territory. The porn guys are icky, but they aren’t evil or sickos, you know? That’s why there’s the super convoluted aspect of Logan losing a bet and them kidnapping him. Like, it’s gotta have a real laid-back 70s vibe.

I’ve thought about the artist and while my first thought was the rather obvious Milo Manara, the truth is Manara works best when he can actually do pornographic work and X-Women suffered a great deal from the fact that like, it didn’t just devolve into all the character naked and doing it with one another. Then I considered Ariel Olivetti because that would just be pretty crazy, but like most modern comics artists, he suffers from making all his women the same. Richard Corben is the only guy who could do it right because despite he’s attuned to body types of the past and he’s really good at like, making things gritty and creepy and weird. He’d capture the serious but sorta silly attitude that would be necessary for the comic.

Well, I hope to hear from you soon. I’m sure you will love my idea!

thank you,

Brandon